idolization, floating and contemplation

One of the most compelling factors that made America attractive to me was the fact that I would be leaving behind what I thought was high-school dramas, and be exposed to a world of intellectual learning, motivated young adults and an environment that encouraged and allowed them to shine. Instead I am presented with the same circumstances but with different faces and in a different hemisphere. Whilst the concept of humans being intensely similar in their relationships across the globe is an interesting one I was hoping that the 15,644km between the two wouldn’t be the largest difference. I suppose that anticipating an ideal environment is always going to set one up for disappointment but I can’t help but feel as though I have been cheated.

I continue to go about my life in much the same way that I would if I was home, except now I add in the factor of missing those that I love and care about and the inability to find employment. It is almost enough to make me want to cut my time here in the states short and finish my degree in Australia. That however is an inconceivable thought. Whilst yes, I would find the comforts of home and be able to begin saving to “start my life” it would strip me of the opportunity to travel whilst still continuing my education. Also I don’t wish to cease doing something after I have worked so hard to get here.

However it makes me think that perhaps all things to which we aspire and put great effort into achieving in life are less than the idolized expectations that we held whilst we were trying to get there. Perhaps the glow is in the effort of trying to reach the acclaimed height rather than the height itself. I am in constant battle with two thought processes fighting over brain space; the first being that I am waiting for “real life” to begin, the second being that life is fleeting and I should embrace every moment before it comes to pass. Whilst I know that the second is the more optimistic and ideal option I can’t force my thoughts to come in that way, instead I find myself in this emotional and psychological limbo. Fighting to live for now but content with waiting for life to come along.

Before coming to America I was floating along waiting to go to University, but now that I am here it appears that my floating has simply been relocated and pushed back, so now I am floating along in Georgia waiting to get my degree. Sure there is pleasure to be taken in the everyday existence, catching up with friends, learning new things and experiencing a slightly different culture. But is that pleasure enough to sustain happiness? How does one achieve happiness? Because in my current thought pattern it comes with obtaining my degree and starting my “real life”, however I am quite certain that unless I change the way I approach and think about things that I will always be waiting, always be idolizing. Indeed it seems that the grass is greener on the other side.

So I need to affirm that right now, in this very instant, the moment that is continuous and present is when my “real life” is. If ever to achieve this idolized happiness I need to search for it now, and not wait for it to come to me with certain achievements and milestones. The problems I have with floating is that whilst you are not happy, you are also not sad. With this in mind it is difficult to make specific changes to my life that will eradicate the things which are holding back my happiness, because they are not apparent. So a plan of action is not set in concrete but a plan needs to take place or I will simply float my life away.