idolization, floating and contemplation

One of the most compelling factors that made America attractive to me was the fact that I would be leaving behind what I thought was high-school dramas, and be exposed to a world of intellectual learning, motivated young adults and an environment that encouraged and allowed them to shine. Instead I am presented with the same circumstances but with different faces and in a different hemisphere. Whilst the concept of humans being intensely similar in their relationships across the globe is an interesting one I was hoping that the 15,644km between the two wouldn’t be the largest difference. I suppose that anticipating an ideal environment is always going to set one up for disappointment but I can’t help but feel as though I have been cheated.

I continue to go about my life in much the same way that I would if I was home, except now I add in the factor of missing those that I love and care about and the inability to find employment. It is almost enough to make me want to cut my time here in the states short and finish my degree in Australia. That however is an inconceivable thought. Whilst yes, I would find the comforts of home and be able to begin saving to “start my life” it would strip me of the opportunity to travel whilst still continuing my education. Also I don’t wish to cease doing something after I have worked so hard to get here.

However it makes me think that perhaps all things to which we aspire and put great effort into achieving in life are less than the idolized expectations that we held whilst we were trying to get there. Perhaps the glow is in the effort of trying to reach the acclaimed height rather than the height itself. I am in constant battle with two thought processes fighting over brain space; the first being that I am waiting for “real life” to begin, the second being that life is fleeting and I should embrace every moment before it comes to pass. Whilst I know that the second is the more optimistic and ideal option I can’t force my thoughts to come in that way, instead I find myself in this emotional and psychological limbo. Fighting to live for now but content with waiting for life to come along.

Before coming to America I was floating along waiting to go to University, but now that I am here it appears that my floating has simply been relocated and pushed back, so now I am floating along in Georgia waiting to get my degree. Sure there is pleasure to be taken in the everyday existence, catching up with friends, learning new things and experiencing a slightly different culture. But is that pleasure enough to sustain happiness? How does one achieve happiness? Because in my current thought pattern it comes with obtaining my degree and starting my “real life”, however I am quite certain that unless I change the way I approach and think about things that I will always be waiting, always be idolizing. Indeed it seems that the grass is greener on the other side.

So I need to affirm that right now, in this very instant, the moment that is continuous and present is when my “real life” is. If ever to achieve this idolized happiness I need to search for it now, and not wait for it to come to me with certain achievements and milestones. The problems I have with floating is that whilst you are not happy, you are also not sad. With this in mind it is difficult to make specific changes to my life that will eradicate the things which are holding back my happiness, because they are not apparent. So a plan of action is not set in concrete but a plan needs to take place or I will simply float my life away.

unanswerable questions

I was just on Skype with Ivy. My screen was playing up and it made me seem pixelated and appear much like a hologram. It got me thinking about what makes us real? Like perhaps this reality that we are living in is just in my head. That everyone i meet and everything that surrounds me is simply a figment of my imagination. Or of someone elses imagination. But imagination seems like the wrong word. But its the only one that i can think of that can half explain it. Like perhaps my body died an unmeasurable amount of time ago and life as i know it right now is a timeless reality that i have created out of the inability of my thoughts, of my self that is not contained in my mortality to die. And in that death this reality was born. Much like the Matrix, but its not a bunch of people connected to this make believe reality, but my self floating around... no not floating because it holds no physical substance... but my self just existing, and that is what this is. That would make it eternal, because a self without a mortal body has no way of dying, no way of shutting down or of ceasing to exist. Perhaps i made my reality to contain these 'imagined' bodies, as something to contain these selves.
Kind of scary concept when you think about it. There is no way to prove it. Much like the faith of something, of a religion. But in this if i am the creator i would never be able to prove or disprove it to myself. That would end the reality, because if i was sure that it existed, if i understood what it was then it would stop being the instant that i proved it...
Perhaps there was a god, and this is their reality. It wasn't born out of seven days of creating but a single instant where everything corporeal of themselves died but their self which held no physical substance refused to, kind of like their self went insane at the thought of dying and created this. and this is who all of the religions in the world praise, a self that out insanity created an alternate reality to encompass their substance-less self.
sometimes i get to thinking about things like this. It hurts my thoughts. I get into a spiral of questioning everything, unanswerable questions.

"I want to ride my bicycle, bicycle, bicycle"

Walking around Goodwill (a thrift store or opp shop as it is known in Australia) I came across what may appear to the untrained, unimaginative eye as a small children’s bike. But beneath the tiny size and vibrant pink and purple paint I saw the epitome of awesome embodying a vehicle. I had to have it, to own it, to release this metallic awesome into my life.

Nine dollars later and the bike was mine!! Victory was sweet, I could almost taste it. But this was only the beginning. This poor piece of machinery was suffering under the thick coat of girlish paint surrounding its exterior. Stashing it into the boot of Lucio’s car we rushed to Walmart on a mission. A mission to free this bike from the girlish constraints holding it back in the world.

All it took was seven dollars and I had the tools needed to revive this bicycle. Armed with new grips and a tin of shiny black spray paint I set to work as soon as I got back to my apartment. For one night it was transformed into a workshop. My bed covered in metallic parts as I disassembled the bike so I could recreate it, revive it even.


The next morning revealed the awakening of a new era for this bike. No longer a small children’s bike, held down by the purple speckled paint and small handlebars. It was freed and set to take over the world. The pure beauty gleamed in the morning sun, calling out to be ridden. How could I refuse? After the reconstruction I have been rewarded with a pintsize bundle of awesome to travel around on.



In short, I brought a bike, cleaned it, painted it and it only cost $16…. AWESOME

Long Distant

Being in a long distance relationship defiantly tests the foundations of the relationship. You have no physical contact with your partner, so you need to rely on communication skills (yes you have to actually talk to them =0). It’s tough, but in the month that I have been away I have learnt more about my girl than I had in the whole time that I had known her; before and during our relationship. It hasn’t been without frustrations – going from seeing each other every day to not at all isn’t a very easy transition. But I have one tip for any couple willing to try the distance; Skype. It is your savior. Get it. Worship it. Use it. Every day.

Before committing to the long distance each partner has to ask themselves seriously if they are ready to give up everything in order to make this work. Being away from your partner can be one of the hardest experiences of your life. But if you are both willing to put in the effort that it requires it can make your relationship the strongest that it has ever been and indeed stronger than it would have ever been without the distance. This strength doesn’t come easily though, and the effort required isn’t for those who have doubts about their feelings. In a realm of trust and communication, doubt cannot coexist.

So when thinking about my relationship I believe that:
Yes – this has made us stronger.
Yes – Skype is the glue of our relationship.
Yes – it could break couples who thought that they could make it without extra effort.
Yes – this has been the hardest thing I have ever done with another person.
Yes – it brings me close to breaking point all the time.

But

No – I wouldn’t think twice about going through this again because I know that she is worth it.

Bucket list

I sat down to do a large portion of homework last night and as usual i ended up procrastinating; last night it was by looking up motivation. It appears that the 57,100,000 links that appear don't actually motivate you to do your homework, but i did find out a lot about bucket lists and as a result have started to put one together. But it's not like any old to do list, i want this one to be special. I want thought to go into each and every addition so i know that when i achieve it i will know it was something that i wanted to do. With this in mind i got a tad overwhelmed at the large scale of things i wanted to achieve before i died. So i started making a list of all the goals i have ever had in my life and to tell you the truth i have achieved most of them.
Played for Australia - check.
Hold a State record - check.
Live in another country for a year - currently living in America (on the way to check)
get a scholarship for uni - check.
It seems that even the most seemingly unattainable goals i could reach when i put my mind to it.
So with that in mind i have devised a small list of things i want to achieve and i will continue to add to it as i come up with more.

Stef's Bucket List:
Own a house, make it exactly how i want my home to be
create a scholarship in my name
travel to at least 25 different countries
party for a week straight
skydive/bungee jump
snowboard down a difficult slope
leave an inheritance
raise a child who feels loved, and becomes an active citizen in this changing world
change the world in a measurable manner
go vegan for 3 months
have and cultivate a vegetable garden - producing a whole meal out of things i have grown
save someones life
own my own business
get published - both a book and a paper
get married to someone i'm head over heals in love with
enjoy several moments when i am absolutely and completely happy with life
take and develop my own photos, hang them in my home with pride
put together a kit car
give a public speech that moves at least one person to change
learn to speak another language - use it
go to at least one large gig a year.

There are the first couple.
comment me with any suggestions, or things you have on your bucket list
much love and a bunch of motivation
- Stef

Midterm

I got my midterm grades back today. I did pretty well. It got me to thinking about how much effort i didn't put in. And how much some people did and they got worse grades than me.
I sort of convinced myself that i was part of some large conspiracy where someone is going around and paying my teachers so that i get good grades. And then i got to thinking...

Hey, it could be worse!